


to my brother, tony

by manhattans_here



Category: Newsies - All Media Types, Newsies!: the Musical - Fierstein/Menken
Genre: Gen, M/M, Specs is the best, Started writing it, albert is straight up not having a good time, alright boys buckle up, and a little bit of specs, and himself, as always, bon appétit, enjoy i guess, had a breakdown, i was originally going to kill romeo in the end but i cant bring myself to do it anymore, it'll probably flop cause the relationships arent the main focus but, jesus goddamn, oh god this hurt to write you have no idea how much, romeo writes a letter to his dead brother, suicide TW, this fic stabbed me in the chest ten times it took all my willpower to finish it, this is just romeo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:22:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28676631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manhattans_here/pseuds/manhattans_here
Summary: it’s still there, as you told me, the northern star. it doesn’t move. you find it, and you know which way’s the north, so you can figure where to go.i see that star every night, i know damn well where the north is and that doesn’t tell me anything about which way I want to go.
Relationships: Albert DaSilva & Racetrack Higgins, Albert DaSilva/Racetrack Higgins, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Racetrack Higgins & Romeo, Romeo/Specs (Newsies), percieve ralbert as u please their relationship isn't really established
Comments: 11
Kudos: 9





	to my brother, tony

Romeo loved to look at the sky.

It wasn’t necessarily about the stars, or the planets, he didn’t think it was so much about the sky either. He just loved how it coated over the empty streets of New York early in the morning, when everyone who had a home had been sheltered under it, in the comfort of their bed or watching something on the TV, maybe even just sitting awake, doing nothing. There was no time where everyone was asleep and he knew that. No matter how late at night, someone would always be awake, someone would be there and even if he didn’t see that, the sky would. That was almost comforting to Romeo, made him feel less alone whenever he sat out on the fire escape by himself, still not entirely used to the lack of company after all these years. That’s where Romeo was today, pen and paper clutched in hand and the sky spread above him.

_To my brother, Tony_ , the back of the paper read. He stared at the sky for a second, took a deep breath and started writing.

_Dear Race,_

_Hello, I guess. It’s Romeo, I finally got myself to write again. It’s been a little while since I last did this. A whole year, actually, and it’s getting harder to even be here without you, even though you know how I much I love the fire escape, the streets, the nightsky. When we first moved in here, you sat with me, you showed me the big dipper. I could point it out every time I looked at the sky. Sometimes I wonder if you can see the big dipper from where you’re standing. Wherever it might be right now._

Romeo was 19 the first time he’d been there. He’d just finished high school, only a year after Race did and they’d agreed he’d move in as soon as possible. They’d basically spent their entire lives together, ever since they were children they’ve been planning this. Starting a new chapter side by side, as brothers. And they followed it, step to step, until by the age of 20 Romeo was good and settled in their apartment in Manhattan. One day, he’d stepped into the living room, a little after 2:00am to find Race sat on the couch, his face illuminated by the screen of his laptop. He’d been editing some paper he had to turn in in a few days and it obviously dragged on longer than he’d expected. “Racer?” His eyes shot up when he heard Romeo speak.

“Ro, go to sleep.”

“Can’t. Brain’s full” He sighed, leaning against the doorway.

“Problems in the capitol?” It was a silly code between them for whenever one of them was having suicidal thoughts, if the answer was yes, then they’d have a talk and try to find a distraction, like watching a movie or maybe baking something. Neither of them were really comfortable saying it out loud and it was nice to have something to use in the situation.

“No, that’s not it, just… uni and stuff, I suppose.” Romeo answered. “Can’t really top thinking about it.”

“Race smiled, closing his laptop and pushing down the screen. “I know what’ll make you feel better.” He got up from the couch and opened the window and started climbing out. “Come on.”

Romeo followed after him, climbing out to the fire escape and sitting next to the boy, his legs crossed. The street was noticeably desolate, the only people he could spot being group of girls who were obviously returning home from a night out, laughing and stumbling as they walked and someone walking by themself, their hood covering their head and a guitar case hanging on their back. “Empty.” He said.

“What, down? Yeah, down’s empty.” Race grinned. “But up there, it’s full.” And when Romeo turned his head to look at the sky, he saw billions of stars scattered all over it like splatters of paint on a dark canvas, waiting for something to be depicted on it. He stared in awe, his hands grabbing around the rail.

“You see these few over there?” Race pointed at the sky, his finger tracing over a pattern of stars. “That’s the big dipper, the one that kinda looks like a pot.”

“Pot.” Romeo grinned, suppressing a laugh.

“Real mature.” Race rolled his eyes. “If you kinda trail up, do you see that bright one?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“That’s the northern star.” Race said. “It doesn’t move, all the others do, around it, that’s why sailors used to look for it when they were lost, you find the north and figure which way you want to go.”

Romeo smiled as he recalled that night, the feeling of the sky unfolding before his eyes, the grin on Race’s face. Romeo could spot the northern star every time he looked up. It never moved, hadn’t since that day and would never move any day after that. He thought as he looked up at it. The exact spot he’d been staring at back then, the first time he’d seen it.

_It’s still there, as you told me_ , he wrote. _, the northern star. It doesn’t move. You find it, and you know which way’s the north, so you can figure where to go. I’m not sure about that part anymore, Tonio. I see that star every night, I know damn well where the north is and that doesn’t tell me anything about which way I want to go. It used to be so clear, all I’d have to do is look and the path would be obvious in front of me. Now, I’m not sure anymore. What if no way is the right way? Where do I even go? There used to be a plan, a goal, now it’s all blurry._

_Jack said it’d get easier with time, it would all make sense but it feels like the longer I go on, the harder it gets. It all trails back to everything you don’t get to see, everything you’re missing. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Jack says you’d be proud, you’re watching over, but I don’t believe that. If you’re somewhere out there right now, I doubt it’d be here, watching everything you left behind go on without you._

_You’d probably not even want to see it, it was a whole mess. Jack drove all the way here, stayed with me at the apartment, I couldn’t deal with how empty it was without you here. It took a few months until he returned back home, and that’s only because Specs moved in. You would’ve loved Specs, honestly. (Although, you’d probably get kicked out eventually so he could live here. No offense.) We hadn’t seen Albert properly in months, we’d all check up on him occasionally to make sure he’s doing alright. There were a lot of calls and texting, but poor boy was devastated. He hasn’t been the same since that day. Honestly, I don’t know how I’d deal with it if I was the one to find you._

Romeo didn’t grasp a lot of what was happening, and to this day he still didn’t know much. Albert, understandably, wouldn’t talk about it. Not any more that he needed to. He’d been in class the whole day and didn’t actually witness any of it. He hadn’t even seen Race, the blonde had spent the previous day at Albert’s and apparently spent the night there. Early in the morning, before he returned home, he and Albert had gotten into a fight and it spiraled out of hand. At first, Albert didn’t even process it when Race stormed out, still blinded by his own anger and frustration. When the realization hit him and he drove to Race’s apartment he nearly had to break the door down before realizing he had a spare key, but was far too late.

Romeo was sitting in class when he got the first call, and didn’t notice, he’d put his phone on silent for class, but when he saw his screen light up, displaying a notification that read “ _16 missed calls from **ginger bitch**_ ” he started getting concerned.

He glanced at his professor, who was still talking about the similarities you could find between the language used in plays from different eras, and picked up his phone, pressing on the contact to text Albert.

**[ ginger bitch ]**

**_Today 11:36 PM_ **

****

_simp:_ i’m in class whats going on

_ginger bitch:_ hospitasl

u need to cmoe

rifght nwo

_simp:_ what hospital are you in

what happened

_ginger bitch:_ gracue square

its race

i fuckef yp

_simp:_ give me 20 minutes

what did you do

_ginger bitch:_ i shdar lrt hkm go hmer

_simp:_ calm down, al

i’ll call you when i get out of class, ok?

_ginger bitch:_ ok

Romeo felt himself get dizzy. Race and Albert had ended up in the emergency room thanks to some stupid joke they tried to pull many times, but he’d never seen either of them panic that much over it before. This had to be something different, something way bigger than just some dumb accident. He hastily excused himself from class, gathering all his stuff and running out the hallway and to his car. He quickly dialed Albert’s number.

_“Romeo.”_

“Hey, Al, yes, it’s me, I’m on my way. What happened?” He asked, putting his phone on speaker and tossing it on the passenger’s seat before turning the key and starting to drive.

_“I had a fight with Race, I didn’t realize- I didn’t go after him when he left- I’m so sorry, Ro.”_ Albert’s voice was shaky and his breathing didn’t sound stable.

“Hey, hey, breathe, Al. Take deep breaths.”

_“I am.”_

“Okay, good. Can you tell me what happened to him?”

A beat of silence followed. _“Race killed himself.”_

At this, Romeo abruptly slammed on the breaks, feeling himself get light headed. Thankfully, the street was empty so no one crashed into him. He pulled over, rolling down the window.

_“Romeo? You okay?”_

“I’m good. I’m fine. Don’t worry. He tried to- How is he? Is it bad?”

_“I- I don’t know, they haven’t let me see him, we got here maybe fifteen minutes ago? I’m not sure.”_

“Okay, it’s alright, you just stay there with him, I’m on my way. He’s going to be fine.” Romeo reassured him, hoping Albert wouldn’t notice his semi-panicked tone. “Is it ok to hang up or do you want me to stay on the phone?”

_“It’s alright, just-… Just please, be quick.”_

“I will, I’m on my way.” He said, and the second he heard Albert end the call, he collapsed, leaning his head against the steering wheel as he felt himself lose control over the tears he’d been restraining. He chuckled bitterly, still choking on his sobs as he looked around him, letting the situation sink in. His roommate- no, his best friend- no, his _brother_ was in the hospital, possibly dying and he was parked in the middle of New York, crying in his car. He sighed as he grabbed a tissue from a box left in the car, wiping his eyes. “Okay…” He muttered as he started the car again, driving to the hospital. “Hold on, Racer.”

_I think it’s better you didn’t get to see it. Gosh, it’d break you. You always wanted the best for all of us, you’d hate to see us like that. Jack pretended he was only there to watch over me, make sure I was ok, but I know he could also use the company. Jack gets like that, he thinks it’s his job to take care of all of us and sometimes he won’t admit he needs help._

_He misses you. We all do. Sometimes I wonder why this had to happen when it did. The fight pushed you over the edge, but how could you be in such a terrible place without me even noticing? I should have. I know that, and I’m so sorry. How could I not even notice? Whenever I look back I can see so many signs I hadn’t seen back then, fuck’s sake, you were basically crying for help. And all I did was sit and watch._

Romeo pressed the paper against his chest as he leaned against the wall, a strangled sob escaping hiss lips. The autumn wind was blowing through the empty streets and around the walls and windows of the buildings, hitting his tear covered face and sending a shiver down his spine.

_I’m sitting here writing these letters to myself, apologizing to no one, as if you’ll ever read them. Sometimes I feel like you do. Just like how we’d leave each other notes on the fire escape whenever we weren’t home, knowing this was the first place we’d look for each other. You’d leave little doodles on yours, a smiley face, or some stars and planets, always signing it off by putting off your cigarette down on the paper. One of those burns on a note immediately pointed to Racetrack Higgins, I don’t think you even did it on purpose. Sometimes, like tonight, I’ll sit here writing to myself and hope that in some crazy way, you can see it. I know you can’t. You won’t. Hell, you can’t see anything anymore, or feel, or hear anything. It’d be different if I had noticed. I could’ve helped, we could’ve gotten through this. You didn’t have to go._

Suddenly, he was interrupted when Specs leaned out from the window.”Ro? Everything alright?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Romeo sniffled, wiping the tears from his cheeks.

“Oh.” Realization painted his face when he saw his boyfriend’s bloodshot eyes and the pen in his hand. “Today is three years since…”

“Yeah.” 

“Do you wanna come in or should I come out?” His question was answered when Romeo got up, abandoning the unfinished letter on the fire escape, and climbed back inside. Before he could speak, Specs wrapped his arms around him, one hand going up to run through his hair. Losing every last power Romeo had to keep himself together, he broke down in the boy’s embrace, his breath hitching as he buried his face in his chest. “Shh, it’s okay.” He heard Specs shush him. “It’s not your fault, Ro.”

“If I knew, Specs-“

“But you didn’t.” Specs said, his voice stable and calm, as opposed to Romeo’s, helping him get a grasp on the present moment. “You didn’t know, and it’s okay. It wasn’t your fault.”

After a while, Romeo sighed, untangling himself from the other’s arms. He looked up at him, the faintest hint of a smile finally returning to his lips.

“Good?”

“…Better, I guess.” He said. Specs leaned down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Sleep?”

“Go to bed, love, you need rest. I’ll be there in just a minute.” Specs smiled at him and Romeo nodded, disappearing to their room. Specs sighed, stepping out to grab the paper and the pen before he shut the window and switched off the lights. He walked to the bedroom, joining Romeo who was already asleep.

And if by the time Specs brought it inside the letter was decorated with cigarette burns in the corners, no one had to notice.


End file.
